3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
