I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
