He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
