when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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