Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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