I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Someone shattered a urinal.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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