I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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