Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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