i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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