Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
