Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
