apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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