Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
