OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
