i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
