Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize