The best revenge is premature balding
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just invented taco cereal.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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