Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
