I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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