he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
