3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am spending my child support on dildos
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
