imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize