There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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