Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
