I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
