I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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