Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
