What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
