This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
