I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
