why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
