the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
