They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
