I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
