I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
