Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
