if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
