Why are handjobs necessary in class?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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