Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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