The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
