That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
