if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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