Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
