I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
