youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's always time for handjobs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
