1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize