Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
