She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
