from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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