I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
