and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
