Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
