I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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