He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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