i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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