My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
