Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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